Are you afraid of your ex wife? Face your fears and deal with her anyway. You know that living in fear of anything or anyone is no way to live. There is no way you can have a good life if part of your time is spent in fear and worry.
How you deal with your ex wife will be the controlling factor in the quality of your life after your have left your wife and get divorced.
This relationship will either bury you or propel you into a far greater life than you can ever imagine.
My life has been spiraling down the toilet the last few months because of how she is and how I have been been having to deal with her. If you were looking at my life the last few months you would tell me to face your fears and deal with her. That is so obvious to me now.
At the moment I am feeling elated over how I dealt with her this morning. She knocked on my apartment door at 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning. 8:30 on a Sunday in the morning, wtf! She is the last person I want to see at that time of the day. I want to see no one at that time. But she is the last at anytime.
She had some doughnuts. She is a food pusher from way back. Always buying a massive amount of food that we do not need. Instead of using what money she has to better her life she uses what money she has to control me and the kids with manipulation and guilt.
She has spent a massive amount of time the last month of the summer bothering me and the kids. We do not want anything to do with her. The kids would be far happier to only see her once every 2 weeks or so. She is just the kind of person no one wants to spend much time with.
My landlord even gave me a notice that she will kick me out of my apartment if my ex wife keeps coming around.
This morning instead of just meekly standing at the door and letting her hang around in the hall, I locked the door, got my good tennis shoes on and went out in the hall to force her to leave. I walked her down the steps and outside. As bad luck would have my landlady was delivering some stuff to the apartment just as I was forcing my ex to leave.
I just am sick of letting her control my life. Today, I walked her out. I gently grabbed her arm and escorted her out. Face your fears is what I was thinking as I tied up my shoes, opened the door and walked her out.
I do not know if this is the way I will have to be from now on. I do not know if this getting tougher is going to work. I do not know if this is going to backfire on me. I do not know if this face your fears ideas is going to stick with me or cause me more problems later.
All I know is that I feel better than I have felt in a month. I took action. I put aside the fear, the overly gentle and genial way I normally am and made her leave.
She even left me a voice mail message a few minutes ago saying she is shocked by my behavior. Shocked. I guess she is shocked that I would stand up to her or anyone.
I am sick of being afraid and living in fear of her or of anyone.
Face your fears and live.
Why do people like my ex wife feel they have to control other people? Where does this sick idea come from? Why should the bullies of the world rise to power? Why do we let the bullies of the world push us around?
She is nothing more than a bully. Why should she run my life when I have left her over five years ago? It makes no sense.
It only makes sense in that she is here on this planet to get me to wake up and stop being afraid. She is pushing me to be stronger. She is forcing me to take control of my life. She is, in effect, saying to me to face your fears. She is the fear for me to face. That is the way I am going to choose to see the world. The bullies force us to grow up and cast off our fear and live.
Don't you want to live? I crave a great life. I desire it so much. But the fear, frustrations and problems seem overwhelming. My ex wife is this manipulating bully constantly trying to get under my skin and cause me problems.
I do not want to deal with her at all. I do not want to face your fears of her.
But until I face the fear and deal with her, I will never be free. This morning was just one small little step. But it does feel good, in fact it feels great. I have not felt so good in a long time.
I have been reading and listening to teachers who tell us that you need to face your fears and act in spite of them. We need to look at what we are afraid of. We need to shine the light on it. We cannot just ignore it.
Face your fears.
Me and my children have this woman in our lives who we do not really want to be there. We are afraid of her. We fear her. We worry that she will be there when we get home. When we are at home, we worry that she will come over. We worry about her calls. We wonder what she will say and what she will do. Will she cause a big scene.
She was winning. She has us living in fear. Maybe not the kids as much as me. She was wining. I have spent the last month in a funk of unease, irritation and worry. It is like everything in my life sucks.
This morning I made a little progress and it feels good.
Your ex wife and how you deal with her will define your life. If you care at all about your life you will deal with her with strength, persistence and perseverance. If you left her it was probably because she was incredibly hard to deal with. What makes you think she will be that much easier to deal with afterwards? It makes no sense to think she will nice up.
A lot of men totally retreat from all this. They rarely see their kids. They lose the house. They make massive payments for years on end.
This fear of loss of the kids, loss of the house and loss of money keeps men in loveless and even abusive marriages for years on end. These men live out their lives in misery. They stay in a stagnant marriage because they are afraid they cannot afford divorce. But there are methods to live cheaper and get by. There are ways of making more money. The difficult times will pass.
Life is long. You need to keep moving forward and face your fears. Life is somewhat of a war with little battles, and problems and frustrations along the way you need to deal with.
But I am winning the war on all this. I have the kids full time with me now. I see them all the time. We have a far richer, more rewarding and loving relationship than we ever had when I was married.
My ex lost the house to foreclosure. It was a big, beautiful house. But it was still only a house. A big house takes huge money to pay for. Money that she and I did not have. I like to think of that house as a stepping stone. I did not like our small house in the big city. I was able to buy a far larger house in the safe suburbs for my young family. My children grew up in a safe area, in a big home. They will have that childhood memory. Now they are quite comfortable living in a small apartment. When they grow up they can choose the manner they want to live.
I was able to end the massive payments I was making to my ex wife. Where 8 months ago I was paying her 75 % of my net pay and living on handouts from my parents, now I pay her nothing. My finances are like night and day. My future is grand.
So, this summer and dealing with her has been tough. Instead of a summer of fun and excitement, it was a summer of worry and irritation. I did not face your fears like I have just now.
I am learning. I talk all the time about doing what you can do to improve your life. I finally took some of my own advice and escorted her out.
I am getting it into my mind that I may need to keep doing that until she gets it.
The few minutes of courage you will exhibit during tense times will carry forward and cause you to think you are a brave man. On the flip side, when you always back down and let others run over you, will cause you to think you are not brave. But bravery is just a temporay position you need to rise to as the situaion requires it. You only need to be brave once in awhile for you to be considered a courageous person.
So go ahead and face those fears. It carries forward. A few seconds of bravery now and then will bring your entire life up a notch. I exhibited a few hours of bravery when I first left my wife. This was a terrible ordeal that I had to go through. At any moment during that time I could have caved in and crawled back to her. I think she still expects me to do just that. I think that is why she continues to come around so often and so frequently.
I sometimes look at her as some pathetic little creature who wants me so bad she will degrade herself to no end. Even when I am screaming at her that I hate her, that she is a terrible person, and that I made a mistake being with her, she will think I will fall in love with her again. To me, that is pitiful, thinking a person who despises you will want to be with you.
Then I come to the idea that she just wants to control me. I think that is more accurate. When we do let her in the apartment, to spend time with the kids, she spends all her time talking about her crazy ideas and talking to me and ignores the kids. If she really cared about the kids she would move on, get her life under control and listen to what they are saying to her. Children are not here for parents to boss around and control. The parents are here to care for the children until they can care for themselves.
Face your fears and your life will improve. It is a known fact. When you do something adventurous, you remember it forever. These fear inducing moments are what you will remember for the rest of your life. That is why people do them and why they are so important. When you skydive you are not in the air that long. Seconds are maybe a few minutes, but you will remember that feeling forever. When you actually go up to women and start an interaction and spend time that way, that is what you will remember forever. You are not going to remember the dull lifetime spent in school, work and in front of the TV.
You are going to remember all the things you did not do because of fear and you are going to remember the things you did in spite of the fear. Just start to face your fears and your life will move in the direction you want it to go.
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If you are in a bad marriage that is draining the life out of you, learn what to do here.
How to Leave Your Wife
is my story of how I left my wife and why you may need to leave yours.