Have Better Relationships by
Not Taking Crap
Better relationships start with not taking crap dished out by others. There are two approaches to this.
The first is to confront everyone who gives you crap. You argue, you fight, you stand up for your rights, and you tell people what you need and how to treat you. This way works. Lots of men go through life this way. Arguing and fighting most of their lives away trying to force others to treat them right and get the kind of life they deserve.
The other way is to set about your life in such a way that you just cut out everyone and everything that gives you crap. This is what I do and I think this is a healthier, easier way to live.
It is easier on me mentally, emotionally and physically. I want to have good relationships without struggle and drama.
I do have to use the first method sometimes. Everyone does and you should be on your guard and ready and willing to do so. But the more effective method is to concentrate on the second method.
Here is a small list of ways to cut out the crap from your life:
•Hang up the phone on people who are bothering you. The phone is beautiful. When my ex-wife is getting on my case, lying about something, using guilt to get me to do something or being a pain in some way, I just hang up. I have hung up on her hundreds of times.
•Don’t answer your phone just because it rings. Caller ID is one of the best features ever. When I was in over my head in debt and collection agencies were calling constantly, I did not answer. I knew what I owed and paid what I could on my terms, not theirs. Talking to them will not help. Collection agencies, ex-wives and other manipulators are masters of using guilt to get you to do things you don’t want to do. Just by refusing to talk to them you are winning.
•Don’t open the door just because someone knocks. It’s your door. You do not have to open it just because someone knocks or rings the bell. Usually it is someone selling something you do not want. Or someone wanting you to give them something or waste your time in some way.
•Don’t give away your power at work. It is better to be more silent, mysterious and a hard nose at work. Avoid being the guy who is the yes man, the one who people walk all over. It is better to keep some distance from the people at work. You cannot expect to have good relationships with everyone.
•Don’t be afraid to break laws and regulations. Live by your own rules. The only rules you should follow are your own. My rules happen to include avoiding run-ins with the police so I do not do things that would make them more likely to bother me. I do not think all the laws are in place to help us, only to control us. I have no problem breaking the law. I only have a problem with the getting caught. I only believe in not doing what is obviously wrong. I do not steal. I do not kill. I do not rape. Whatever other laws more than these are not necessary.
•Be willing to leave any relationship that is not working for you. This includes your marriage. Having a
is the biggest source of crap in a lot of men's lives.
•Be a survivalist. A person who can live anywhere and do anything. “You aren’t stupid are you? You can learn can’t you?” - from Clara Allen of Lonesome Dove, own of my favorite books and movies. She meant that you can do other things to make a living than what you are doing now.
•Don’t give out crap. If you give out crap it will return. Just as you want people to treat you well you need to return this to have the good relationships you want.
•Don’t tolerate crap in your life. Deal with it quickly and decisively. Not dealing with my wife or not leaving her quickly has been the biggest problem in my life. Once your wife has chosen to give you crap
you need to leave her.
I stayed for years after I knew in my gut it was no good. Don’t be me. Those wasted years are gone for good and I regret staying so long. Maybe I thought our relationship would improve over time if she mellowed out. Maybe she will some day, but so far she hasn't. Your life is too important to wait for your wife to provide the kind of relationship you want. If she cannot do that, find someone else who can.
•Call out crap when it happens. I told my boss once that I had to have a plan completed that day. I had to have the CAD draftsman work on the plan right now. The CAD draftsman said that the work would take 2 days. My boss said that since the work would take that long, we shouldn’t bother doing it. I said loudly that it won’t get done if no one is working on it. He transferred the work to another CAD technician who finished it by 1:00 p.m. I was not going to tolerate the crap of not getting my work done. Neither should you.
• Take Women off the Pedestal.
You do not get very far with women by doing this. It does not work in the short run because it is a turn off to women. It works terribly in the long run because your relationships will not be any good by treating women this way.
The problem with taking crap from some people and not from others is that is quickly becomes who you are. It is not a light switch you can turn on and off. You either take crap from everyone or no one.
In my case, my wife was the main crap giver in my life. Her criticism, lectures on my faults, her insistence on how I should be, her angry outbursts, sarcasm and raging fits made me less of a man.
Then she would give me a hard time about how others were giving me crap and that I should stand up for myself more.
Now I see that her treatment of me made me be a recipient of crap. I was so used to her crap that in comparison, any other crap I got from others was no big deal to me. It became who I was. I expected to be treated poorly and that is exactly what happened. I was a pushover.
When you are married, the most important relationship in your life is your wife. How she is to you will define your life. If your wife is loving, kind, respectful, decent and wonderful to you that will be your life.
If your wife deals out the crap, criticizes most of what you do, lectures you on your faults, rages at you in anger and is generally miserable to be around, that will be your life.
You cannot have a good life if your wife is like that. Your time away from her will not be enough of a respite of sanity and peace.
This is a prison of your own making. You need to get out for good. Just getting away from her briefly is not enough. The hours spent at work, sleeping or busy with other things is not enough time. Just a few minutes of this type of behavior is too much. I tolerated it for years and it is taking a huge amount of time to get right.
I tolerated crap and disrespect from my wife for so long and so much that when I finally woke up and decided that I was not going to tolerate it any longer, it was too late for me to do anything about it.
She was so used to treating me in a bad way that she was unable to stop. It was who she was. She was the mean, disrespectful shrew. She could not stop.
My pointing out to her that I would no longer tolerate her verbal abuse meant nothing to her. She could not understand that what she was doing was wrong. To her, that was how she should be.
So when I started to push back and make it known that I was not going to take anymore of her crap, she did not just become nice, she escalated. She got worse.
I guess there was no way for her to turn back now. This was the way she was and I could either deal with it or leave.
I cannot say that I miss any aspect of being married to her. It is just such a relief to not be around her.
She tries to give me crap now. She calls and sometimes starts out nice. Once she escalates into crap, I hang up. If she calls back, I don’t answer.
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