I Want to Die
The words - I want to die - just kept going through my head over and over.
I was sitting in the office chair in front of the desk I had in the basement of our big ranch house in the suburbs.
My wife had been ranting and raving in front of me about something that I do not even remember anymore. That was my life at that time. I was either absorbing her tirades or waiting for another tirade to begin. Nothing I did was right. My life was no good and as I sat there I kept thinking that suicide seemed like such a good option. I kept thinking - I want to die, I want to die.
I suppose to most people my life would have seemed pretty good. I had two wonderful children. We had a big home in the suburbs. I had a fairly high paying job at an engineering company. My wife was a good looking woman who kept herself up. Her family was good to me.
I never told anyone how she was to me. I never let on that she was verbally abusive. I just kept that secret to myself. I stoically kept up a front.
I must have been a good actor. Maybe people knew that something was wrong, but they could not put their finger on it. After all, most people have their own lives to lead. They do not have time to solve my problems, especially if I never told them there was a problem.
So when I was telling myself that I want to die, I was searching for an answer to my problem. My problem was my wife. I knew the answer was to leave her, but at first my idea of leaving would be by dying.
I thought of hanging myself in the basement beams. I knew they would be strong enough. I wasn't sure what type of rope or cord would be strong enough to hold me. I was huge at that awful time in my life. I had been eating massive quantities of food to try to escape the pain of dealing with her so I was the biggest I had ever been.
I did not own a gun at that time so that option was out. Poison did not appeal to me. I just thought that hanging would be the best.
I thought of the satisfaction I would have seeing her face when she saw my lifeless corpse hanging by my neck.
Of course, after I was dead, I would not have any satisfaction. I could not see her shocked face if I was dead. The other problem would be if my kids saw me first. I did come to my senses and put the idea of I want to die behind me.
But I believe that you may not have done that yet. I believe that you came to this page because you are thinking about it. I believe that you are suffering and in so much pain that you are thinking of ending it all. I believe that you think you do not matter. I believe that someone or something or some circumstance is causing you to think of this awful scenario.
I am begging you to not do it.
I am begging you to reconsider.
I am telling you that whatever pain you are in, whatever problems you are facing, whatever torment others are laying on you, that will pass.
Future days will be better. You can have a good life. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next week or next month, but you will have better days.
When I was at my lowest point and trying to deal with the pain my wife was causing me, nothing else mattered to me except escaping the pain.
I tried to escape the pain with junk food, with long hours at work, be being positive and by trying to understand her.
But those things did not help. They were only temporary band aids on a massive wound.
The huge quantities of food only made my uglier, more depressed and less able to do other things.
The long hours at work just gave my wife more money to spend and made the years I spent working wasted.
I was only able to put the pain behind me by leaving her. I describe all this in my book
"How to Leave Your Wife."
My life is so much better now. There is not any real comparison. It is like night and day. I am strong. I am powerful. I am in control of my life. When I do interact with my ex-wife, it is unpleasant but I can bear it because I know it is only for a brief time not a lifetime.
This can happen to you. You can get control of your life. Your life can be great.
You may be in a bad relationship. You may be in a bad family. You may be with bad people. You may be in a bad job. You may be doing awful things.
But all that can change. You can
leave a bad marriage.
You can start to avoid bad friends and acquaintances. You can get out of a bad family when you get older. You can get out of a bad job. You can stop doing awful things.
You can stop thinking I want to die and start thinking I want to live. You can start to plan what you will do when when you put the bad circumstances behind you. You can start to think of the good relationships you will have after you leave your verbally abusive wife.
You can think of the fascinating career you will have when you quit the boring, mindless, stupid job that provides no value.
You can think of the good life you will have when you grow up and are able to leave your dysfunctional family behind.
You can look for friends that are good to you as you leave the bad to you friends behind.
Deep down you do not want to die, no one does. Saying I want to die is your pain talking. Your pain is saying that. You think you do not matter so you think you being dead will not matter. You think no one will miss you.
But whether they do or don't does not matter. What matters is what you will miss out on. What matters is how you live your life.
You do not want to die, you want to live. You want to live. You have to say I want to live over and over again to yourself. You have to think constantly of how you want your life to be. You have to think so highly of yourself, that you know your dying before your time will be a huge loss to the world.
You have to think of the potential impact you can have on others. You have to think about maybe your story will give others some hope, some ideas and a chance at a good life.
You have to think that you matter and you deserve to live a great life. Your life has meaning because we all have meaning. You are here for a reason. You may not know what it is.
But you do know what it is not. Your life is not to be taken by your own hand. You are not meant to live in whatever pain you are in this moment. You can move past that and to others things.
Whatever bad stage you are in at this time, you can make it better.
You can walk away, or run from bad relationships. You can quit bad jobs. You can leave a bad family. You can stop doing harmful things to yourself and others.
You do not have to continue to hurt yourself.You can just eliminate the phrase - I want to die - from your mind. You can replace it with it - I want to live.
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