Deep down we all know what a fathers job is. But do we always do that? Or do we forget or let someone else decide?
Before my first child was born I was afraid of being a father. I wondered how I could do it. I was fearful that I would not like it. I was scared that I would do something to hurt my kids. I wondered if I would make enough money to care for them well.
What I did not think about at all was how their mother would be. I just assumed that their mother would be a great mother to our kids forever. I thought that this woman is going to be an excellent mother and even an excellent grandmother far into the future. I figured if anyone would be the problem, it would be me.
How wrong I was.
Their mother turned out to be the problem, not me.
It is so sad but too true.
There is no other explanation for how their mother is than she is not a good person. I do not believe it is by choice. I think it is an emotional problem or a mental problem. In any case she is just a terrible person to be around for too long.
The kids left her, just as I had to leave her. None of us could deal with her.
I am so proud of my children for having the courage to leave a bad person behind and still love that person. They still love her. They want the best for her. But they are not here to take her abuse. I am not here to take her abuse. No one is here to take abuse from anyone.
A fathers job is to provide protection to his children.
I did not do that when I was living with my wife. The only way I could protect them was to take the abuse from my wife, to absorb it all and try to shield them. I did that as long as I could. When I could bear it no longer, I left.
Leaving my wife was a terribly difficult ordeal. The only thing worse than leaving a bad wife, is staying with her to continue to have a miserable life.
The short term ordeal of leaving and the actual divorce proceedings are nothing compared to a lifetime of misery.
If you are a married father and your wife is not good for you, you need to leave. You need to get your life together. You need to heal. You need to get strong. Married men with bad wives are getting weaker day by day. If this is you, then you are not doing the fathers job of being strong. You are not showing your children that a man has to be strong and in charge of his life.
You know this is true. You know that your job is to be strong. You cannot be strong if you have a wife continually chipping away at your confidence. You cannot be strong if your wife overrides your decisions. You cannot be strong if she is critical, harsh, yelling, profane, obscene or does anything that you cannot tolerate.
Your level of toleration for your wife has to be very low. Your wife cannot be someone you just tolerate. She has to be the love of your life.
If this is not so, you need to leave her.
If you are passively taking the abuse of your wife, you need to leave her.
A fathers job is to show his children that each person matters. Especially you. You matter. You are not here to absorb the emotional turmoil of your wife.
You cannot expect your children to grow up emotionally healthy if they see a broken down man in front of them every day.
Your son will internalize this and either grow up to be married to a terrible woman himself, or act out his rage in other ways.
Your daughter will not learn to be a kind, loving woman who is wonderful to be around. She will be just like her mother.
You have to leave if this is your life.
Your basic fathers job is to show them what a great life is. You go about your life like it matters. You show them that each person matters just as much as the next. You show them that you will not take a backseat to anyone. You will not tolerate abuse from anyone. You will live your life on your terms. You show them that your personal development is the most important thing to each person. You go about things that the most important to you.
Of course, your children are one of the most important things to you. You provide them the safe home, the clothes, the food, the experiences and the education they need. You take care of these basics. That is your responsibility.
But deep down you know that you have to show them that your life matters. That no person on this planet is here to be abused, to be pushed around and to live in a miserable way.
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If you are in a bad marriage that is draining the life out of you, learn what to do here.
How to Leave Your Wife
is my story of how I left my wife and why you may need to leave yours.