Welcome to Personal Development for Men Issue #5
Welcome to the Personal Development for Men ezine.
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The Organized Single Dad eBook
Easy Way to Be a Better Dad
The easiest way to be a better dad is not have so many kids.
You just cannot take care of a lot of children well. No man can. It has never been done. Sure, there have been lots of large families in every culture and in every continent. But the fathers did not care that well for the kids.
No one has the time and energy to care for many children well. Something will have to give. If you are rich, maybe you can take care of the basics well. You can provide a large home, with a bedroom for each child, plenty of healthy food, live in an area of safe schools, provide health and dental care and even enriching activities. What you will not be able to provide is individual time to each child. That will be what you give.
If you are not rich, then having many children is just a recipe for disaster. Any little problem will be magnified. You will have to make untold sacrifices on an almost daily basis. That is what will give. You will not be able to provide a good life to each child.
One child is not that hard to care for. After the child is a few years old, they are not that much trouble at all. They don't get up at night anymore. They can go to the bathroom by themselves. They start to take pride in doing for themselves so you can work with them to help them develop even more pride and also saving you time in the future.
Two children, if they are spaced out by three years or more is manageable also. If they are close together in age, they may not get along. Having two small children at one time is really hard. Going anywhere is a total struggle. You will not do it very often.
Three children is where it starts to really hard and four is so cumbersome.
The biggest problem is having a child every year or so for a number of years in a row. At the time, this type of arrangement will be take a terrible toll on you and the mother. A lot of families used to do this thinking that they wanted to get the work over with. But even thinking about having children in this manner to get the work over with is wrong. They were only doing this out of a sense of duty or habit, not love of children.
I know it can be done. Lots of families have done this. Lots of you probably grew up this way. But if you honestly think this through you will see that you will enjoy your children a lot more the fewer you have.
Having a lot of children will mean that the mother has to absolutely love caring for many young children for years on end and that the father, you, has a very large income that he doesn't mind spending just on the needs of the children. All the money you make will go towards the expense of raising your children. Unless you are very rich, all your money will go to child related expenses. There will be none for you.
How can you assume that your wife will love lots of children? Will she love each of your children with total selfless devotion? Will she treat each with tenderness, affection, love and be attentive to each of their needs? Will the last one be as well treated as the first one? Will she favor one over the others? Will one fall into disfavor in her eyes?
How can you assume that you will always have a large income? Are you close to the 1 % in income? Can you buy everything you want to do and experience yourself now with tens of thousands of dollars left over each year? Can you easily buy a new, large, luxury car each year? Can you easily buy a very large, modern, convenient home in a safe neighborhood, close to good, and safe schools? Can you pay all the expenses associated with life? Can you set aside money for the future?
Are you at that point in your life?
It is better for a man to wait to have children until he is well established and fairly wealthy. Probably mid to late 40's.
The difficulty is that the more children you have the more they cost. They cost in money big time. And they cost in time even more than that.
It is far easier to assume that you and your wife will love and care for one or two children really well. You will put in the time, effort, energy and money to ensure that the one or two do well.
If you are reading this you are probably waking up to the fact that you don't have that great of a life. You are realizing that something is missing.
You are thinking that life is passing you by and you aren't really living. You are just existing.
It does not have to be that way.'
You start by cutting back on doing things you think you have to do, including having lots of children or children at all.
The biggest time commitment you will ever have is children. It is 20 years of care minimum. Then it is years of commitment after too.
You can choose how many children you are comfortable having.
You are a man, you can get a
when you are done. I had this done after I had my second.
I love both children but caring for them when they were babies and small is something that I did not like. It is just too much work for me. And it is a type of work that I don't like.
You are not here to have the number of children your parents want you to have or your in-laws, or your church or even your wife.
My wife really wanted 4 children. She came from a family of 4 and had it in her mind from a young girl on that 4 is the right amount for her.
She had terrible complications from our first child. It was so bad I thought she was going to die. I really did not want to have more and go through all that again.
She finally convinced me 3 years later to try again.
My wife had to be on bed rest for 6 months to safely deliver our second. This was an extremely difficult time period for me. I could not go through that again and got the vasectomy.
I love both kids and am so happy with them and so happy to have them. But that is not the point.
The point is at that time in my life and now, caring for young children is not what I want to do.
It is my life. It is your life.
You decide how many kids or if you want kids at all.
The people telling you to have kids are not going to be of much help to you.
They are not the ones to drive your pregnant wife to the hospital in a blizzard.
They are not the ones to pay all the bills.
They are not the ones getting up night after night to care for the baby.
They are not the ones to get up to see your wife sitting in a pool of her own blood dying in front of you.
They are not the ones thinking they will have to raise a baby alone.
They are not the ones to care for the child for the rest of their lives.
If you get divorced taking care of lots of children will put a tremendous strain on you and your wife and especially the children. Your finances will be decimated. Your time and energy will be depleted. Something will have to give and that something will be the quality of your children's lives.
With divorce being so common it is just foolish to have lots of children.
As you get older and your children grow up they may need your help from time to time. Maybe they need money. Maybe they need a place to stay. Maybe they need help raising your grandchildren. Maybe they need your help in escaping an abusive relationship. Maybe they need you because they are not capable of caring for themselves.
The fewer children you have when you are older, the more likely it is that you can help with any degree of real help.
If you have lots of children you will more than likely make it into old age without any real resources to speak of. You will probably be barely able to afford a hundred dollars of Christmas gifts each year. You will not be able to offer any real help if it is needed.
On the other hand, if you only have one or two children it is likely that you will accumulate more resources. You will be extremely strong, independent and able even far into your old age. You will be the father and grandfather that is solid, wealthy, with health and vigor to help if needed.
You will be able to help a child start a business, buy a home, go back to college or help them work through their problems.
You will be able to get on a plane at a moments notice and rescue someone. You may be able to get your daughter out of an violent relationship.
You won't be reliant on charity, or the government or your children. You will be the one that people rely on.
All this is possible if you have fewer children.
How to Leave Your Wife
The book is my story of how I found the courage to leave my wife and get on with my life.
Want a Vasectomy?
More information on this procedure for you to consider. Getting a vasectomy did not hurt my sex life. To me, it enhanced it, because I did not fear getting my wife, and now other women pregnant.
More information from my website on being a single dad. Being a father is great whether you are single or married.
Here is that link again to The Organized Single Dad, if you missed it.
The Organized Single Dad eBook
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